After the Tears
by sorceress-yurika
Summary: Botan is given a chance to live in the Human world for a while; strange thing is, she doesn't want her memory while she's there - she wants to have a break. But can the heart really forget?
1. Prologue

After the tears

This is done in Botan's POV

Author's message : This also features some few lyrics from the translation of the song Namida no Ato Ni from ffx which literally means after the tears. I've been writing fanfics before but this is the first time I'm going to post here coz I actually enjoy reading more than writing. - (so please be kind.. heheh) and if you're not a fan of this pairing.. please spare me from too much bashing because I really love this pair. Anything can happen in fics anyway! pYou have been forewarned so read at your own risk. winks

And by the way, lyrics were italicized!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Yu Yu Hakusho.. I wish I did though! Oh and the lyrics are the intellectual property of their respective owners! (Takahito Eguchi, Takuya Sugimoto and p mog for the translation)

_I stand between the sky and the earth, dwarfed by their vastness_

A grim reaper, that's what they call me.. An entity who takes away the existence of an individual's past, present and future. A being who should have been numbed by now because it is the call of duty.. Flying on an oar back and forth from ningenkai to reikai just to guide souls.. I have seen many faces of death, loss, remorse, and pain yet nothing bothers me the most except this new feeling bottled up deep inside.. A new kind of pain? I don't know but it sure is a heavy burden within me..

_When I awoke, I had been praying alone for the morning to come again today_

_For whose sake, I didn't know but then... yes, I met you_

Everyday...

Different faces and different souls...

Everything was calculated and repetitive until the fateful day I met you..

You are different from the rest... there is something in you which is more than what meets the eye...

You gave me something to look forward to each passing day...

"Booootaaaaaan!" an irritated squeak coming from a small child with a pacifier ended my deep thoughts.

"Okay okay.. I know.. stop it already.. I'll go inform him about the mission! See yah later then!" I quickly said trying to avoid Koenma's hot temper.

With that, I giddily hopped on my oar to go to the human world. This has got to be another one of my happiest moments... I'm going to see him again!

I immediately went to his house to inform him of the newest mission which is so easy that he won't need the help of everybody else... My hands were shaking as I knocked on the door... Knowing that he's there made my knees kinda wobbly too! Luckily, I was able to pull myself back together just in time as he opened the door.

"Oh it's you..." came a semi-bored tone, or more like a sleepy tone.

"Well this must be your lucky day because you're the only one who gets the chance to see me today!" I managed to kid him nonetheless.

"Fine.. come in! I suppose you came all the way here just to see me, right? You're missing me huh!" he blurted out with a smirk on his face

A red tint slowly crept my cheeks but I immediately shrugged it off so he won't notice.

"So what if I do? What will you do about it?" I decided to play along.

He was definitely caught off-guard, more of like stunned actually. So I laughed wholeheartedly because he looked funny!

"Why you..." his eyes narrowed... But he stopped and said "Okay let's end this nonsense and go straight to the point, I really need some rest... a new mission right?" he said nonchalantly

"Oh yes, in fact, here is the folder for more information... go read it! And while you do that, can I have some cold water? I'm so thirsty!"

which is actually true... more like a result of how much he affects me.

"Help yourself, go straight to the kitchen..." he said while browsing through the folder.

For no reason at all, I stayed too long in the kitchen... I can't pull myself back together... I was afraid that sooner or later he might discover my feelings... I was afraid he'll find out because I might easily give in... I know that I can't handle rejection...

Anyway... its night already... I have to go...

"Hey Yusuke! If you have any questions..." I yelled while walking back to the living room... but I stopped...

_Your sleeping visage showed me that there are times when I felt I couldn't sleep alone_

There he was... crawled up in the sofa... looking like an innocent boy with his face covered by his bangs... he was smiling... It was a sight to behold... I immediately went to his room to get some blankets and have him covered; As I did, I couldn't help it... I brushed his bangs off his face and gave him a light peck on the cheek as I whispered softly...

"goodnight and sleep tight..."

_I now prayed intensely that the dream would never end_

I was afraid that he'll wake up because of what I did... but luckily, he was in a deep slumber. As I was about to step out of his house... I heard him mumble...

"Keiko..."

_I've been holding back my tears, is it all right to shed them now?_

_Say, if anything should happen, Say, could you stay smiling for me_

_Like you always do...?_

That's it... that name had hit the breaking point... I hurriedly stepped outside and got on my oar. I wanted to cry... but refrained myself from doing it... I knew that I didn't have the right to do so... I know that things couldn't have been complicated if it wasn't for me...

"Silly old me!" I whispered to myself.

Me, the numb grim reaper...

Yeah right!

Numb...

But not really...

I was hoping I could mask myself through that bubbly attitude but no...

How could I...?

How could I have been so vulnerable?

A question that may never be answered...

_Both the twinkling stars and the moonlight can shine because there's night_

I looked at the bright moonlit sky and saw his face... smiling... a sight that almost melted my heart... Yes, he did get the best part of me...

With that, silent tears finally streamed down my face...

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Okay! That wasn't excellent but it's not that bad too, right? sniffs I planned this whole thing as a one shot songfic but I realized I should continue and make more chapters... I don't know... what do you guys think? please review! -


	2. Wild Ideas

I'm back! XD

Disclaimer: All the characters in the story are not mine...sniff but I'm going to buy them sooner! Bwahahah! Just kiddin...

Chapter 1

**Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low. **

**Henry Ward Beecher **

I kept everything hidden since then... It broke my heart yet I know that it has made me stronger than ever... For me he is the unreachable one... He's the Sun and I'm the moon... Everytime I tried to get near... I always get burned... and it hurts...

I guess it was something that wasn't meant to be from the start...

Botan closed her old journal that she was reading. "Sun and moon! What in the world ran through my head when I wrote this thing?" Botan was frowning while reading through her journal.

"Knowing you, it definitely is something crazy!" The small Koenma spoke from outside the room and laughed. "Oooohhh... the great Botan is writing about the sun and moon!"

"Hey! How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to see your face twitch in all sorts of direction while reading." Koenma answered while laughing.

Botan frowned a bit then smiled "You know that its bad to intrude other people's privacy just like that! " she snapped her fingers to demonstrate

"Your door was open!" he answered defensively

Her eyes narrowed "Really now?"

"Of course! Since when did I lie to you?" he asked in return

"Well.. let me count the times... The first one was when you wanted MY strawberry cake.. you gave me something to do which you told me was important.. however... it turned out that it was not that urgent after all... and when I came back.. it was gone! The second one... " but then she was interrupted

"Okay okay you win! I came here because I wanted to tell you something" he sat beside Botan on the sofa inside her bedroom.

"Is it that important? I mean.. it is definitely unusual that you had to come over here to tell me something.. you'll usually wait for me in your office..." her eyes narrowed again.

"unless you wanted some of my sweets again... oh no! you're not going to fool me again! Hah!" she formed a fighting stance.

A big sweatdrop appeared on his head "of course not! I know how to order now if I wanted too!"

"So what is it then?"

"You've been the most stressed out ferry-girl here in Reikai as you must know by now" started Koenma "You know, having those most difficult missions at the same time."

"Of course! That's a part of my job isn't it?" not completely clueless. "Where are you coming at? Giving me a day-off? You know I wouldn't want that right?"

"I was pretty sure earlier that you're going to say that thing. This is not a day-off I'm talking about. This is something you truly deserve after all."

"Errr... something like a great vacation, all expense paid trip to a private island?" Botan was trying to be funny but was really wishing it to be true.

"Uh... no..."

Her face dropped. "I knew it..."

"But this is something different and you might not have the opportunity like this again!" he quickly defended his side

"Just stop beating around the bush because this excitement might give me a heart attack any minute!" she was too exasperated already.

"We're giving you you're most deserved job-off for now... you're going to the human world and be one of them for a while!" Koenma was so excited to give her the news.

"A WHAT!" But for Botan, it seemed otherwise.

"A human! Duh! Unless you want to be a youkai instead!" he was just joking.

"Of course not! I don't even want either of those! Especially when... when..." she trailed off.

"Especially when what?" he was now curious. "I thought this would make you happy since you haven't seen anyone of them for a while now..."

"Well yeah! But then... I don't wanna leave my job here... besides... I still won't have a peace of mind because of different stuffs running through my head... and it will bother me just the same, in fact, much frequent because I'm not going to do anything when I get there..."

'Oh no, I'm not going there... I don't know if I'm really ready for anything... or if I'll ever be!' she thought to herself.

"Peace of mind, different stuffs running to your head... So, you want your mind to rest?" Koenma contemplated and smiled as an idea came in.

"Who wouldn't? Of course I'd want that!" for her, it was the only thing she was sure of now.

"You want to have a temporary amnesia!" he pointed out the 'matter-of-fact' way; grinning as if he was the ingenious guy that ever existed.

Botan dropped from where she was sitting. "Oh dear! I knew it... why am I not surprised?" she sighed. "You know, I was ready to pull all my hair out if you got it right"

"Ooooh! I'm so hurt!" acting as if he was having a heart attack. "But you know... I'm serious about it."

"You're going to take my memory off! That's just the craziest idea I've heard in ages!" she kind of freaked out at the thought.

"Will you listen to my suggestion first?"

"Why not? Fire away sir!"

"The vacation offer still stands... with a twist that is!"

'now he was really serious! Oh dear!' she thought

"Everything will be arranged, including your home; then again, as a human, you wouldn't remember anything about being a ferry-girl... that way, all you troubles will temporary leave you... whatever that is."

"Not so bad..." she was not really surprised.

"Am I a genius or what!" he grinned proudly.

"Uh... suit yourself..." and she laughed at how his face dropped. "Anyway... even if it did excite me... it's still something I have to think about first..."

"No problem...I'm going to leave you for a while... You can tell me your answer tomorrow! See yah!" and Koenma left the room without hearing her protest.

"Tomorrow! That's too soon! It's night already!" but he was already gone.

She plopped down on her bed and tried to consider the 'wild suggestion' that Koenma gave.

_It has been a year since everything was put in order and in their rightful place... no more missions... and with that, everyone went on with their normal lives, which were sort of stolen by us._

_I wouldn't want to remind them again of those fateful times by suddenly showing up and destroying what was supposed to be their 'normal life'._

_Then again... forgetting everything even for a while seemed tempting to me... what is it that I want to forget anyway?_

She frowned as realization came in.

_Not what... the question should be, who do I want to forget anyway? _

With that, a decision came to her mind and finally drifted off to sleep.

**Love is like war, easy to begin but hard to end.**

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Botan was pretty determined as she was talking to Koenma in his office.

"I did have a hard time thinking last night but I was able to meditate and came to a decision." She joked. "I'm accepting the offer."

"That's the spirit!" He smiled, knowing that she's really going to accept it. "You know... you really deserved to have that break!"

"On some specifications though..."

"And what is that?"

"Don't tell anyone anything... I wouldn't want them to know... and don't locate me somewhere near to them..."

"Seemed to me like you're avoiding a plague or something! You'll need someone to watch over you after all. You're not going to be a monk"

She twitched her face as she imagined herself on a temple, wearing very loose robes, having a bald head and meditating near a waterfall... 'Ugh! Definitely not acceptable!'

"Alrighty! Put me somewhere near them but just the same... don't tell anyone... I s that okay? Or am I asking for too much?"

"Well not really... oh well... this is going to be a major scriptwriting for me!" he grinned

"Errr... and don't add anything stupid please!" she stuck out her tongue then laughed.

"I'll think about it! Hahah! Anyway this will be your last day of work for now... when you wake up tomorrow... everything will be different!"

To his surprise, Botan hugged him tight.

"So this will be the last time I'm seeing my cranky and grumpy boss for now... Thanks Koenma! You're great!"

"I know! Hahaha!" he replied jokingly.

"When will I get back here?" she suddenly remembered.

"You'll know when its time..."

Author's Note: So that's for the first chapter! Sorry for the long wait... I sorta got busy and all.. plus I suddenly got crazy over Naruto fics for awhile... XD don't worry though, I never leave anything unfinished.

I had three versions of the first chapter (3 different stories)... the first one was utterly boring... the third one was so fluffy it almost choked me to death... lol and this is the second one... sorta boring but not downright boring... right? (please tell me its not) lolz

So after everything I went through... please have to heart to review! It gives me inspiration. XD (last time I checked... the ratio of those who read and reviewed is 500:5... heheh just kiddin!) Healthy criticisms are accepted too... I know that this chapter was too long for an introduction... but I was so obsessed with details... gomen gomen XD

Thanks to those who reviewed and added me to their favorites list... It's an honor for me! but don't flame me just yet.. The story hasn't even started... arigatou gozaimasu! - ADVANCED HAPPY NEW YEAR!


	3. Some revelations

I was in the mood to write the next chapter... so here it is!

Standard disclaimers apply – YYH not mine! drools p

Chapter 2 –

Botan was running to an endless dark path... she couldn't even see where she was going.

"Where's the end of this stupid path! I'm tired!" She was breathing heavily but she kept on running, hoping that she'll find the end.

Suddenly a white light appeared before her, an image of a man can be seen. The man spoke:

"Come, I'll show you the way." He said

"Who are you?" she was hesitant because she can't even see his face.

"You'll know soon. Just hold my hand."

In that instant, she felt that she need not ask anything anymore. She held his hand and immediately, she sensed an air of security blanket her. Thereafter, she too was enveloped in a ray of light.

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The first rays of sunlight hit Botan in her room.

"Ugh! I forgot to close the curtains before going to bed! How stupid!" She immediately got up and dressed herself.

Suddenly remembering something, she spoke to herself again. "Come to think of it... there was really no 'light-man' after all... it was just the sunlight..." she said referring to the man enveloped by light in her dreams. It was then that she suddenly had a feeling of something lost...

Immediately pushing away thoughts about the man in her dreams, she began to make breakfast before going out.

"Shizuru! Kazuma! Breakfast is ready!" she yelled.

Kuwabara was already at the dining table in the blink of an eye, and has finished eating as soon as Shizuru came.

"Oh dear!" Shizuru commented. "Just like a twister! One minute, the food is here, next thing I know, it's gone!"

"You just don't know how excited I am to be finally eating real foods!" he yelled back.

"And what are you trying to tell me?" her eyes narrowed.

"Everything you have cooked tasted like something they wasn't supposed to be like!" he twitched at the thought of eating those 'stuffs' again. "The last time you tried to cook fried chicken, I thought it was an oiled rubber ducky!"

"Idiot.. I'll show you how rubber ducky feels like!" She was ready to punch his brother right in his face, until Botan interfered.

"It's not good to be fighting in the morning you know!" She smiled. It was the same old scene everyday. But she never grows tired of it; in fact it was fun living with the two.

"Hey Botan!" It was Shizuru. "It has been a week since you're here. But I haven't seen you go out and enjoy everything! Do you have any plans for today?" she asked.

"Actually, I was planning to go out today to buy some painting materials." Botan answered.

"I didn't know you can paint!" Kuwabara butted in.

"Of course! How can you? You don't know anything!" Shizuru replied with a smirk on her face.

"Why you!"

Shizuru ignored him and turned to Botan instead.

"I can go with you!" She volunteered.

"Are you sure? Thanks a lot!"

"No problem! Always talk to me when you need help! Don't trust some idiot here."

Realizing that Shizuru was talking about him, he immediately came up with a response. "Talking about yourself, huh?"

"What a dense guy! Anyway, I'll go get dressed now. Kuwabara, go clean up everything okay?"

"As always..." he murmured.

Meanwhile

"So, you didn't really gave in to her wishes huh?" It was his assistant ogre.

"Somewhat. It would be really hard to." Koenma explained. "She'll be like a lost cat in a big city if she doesn't know anyone... how much more if she doesn't remember anything?"

"And what was the modification that you did?" the ogre was now curious.

"Let me explain the whole thing. One, she's now a human living in that world for a while. Two, I erased her memory of being a ferry girl so she wouldn't really remember us, or anything about the other worlds. Three, I arranged for her to live in Shizuru's house and I told them to let Botan adjust first before telling others that she's there to join them; I gave Shizuru something to keep in touch with us though. Fourth, I think that something just bothers her, but erasing all memories will be too drastic. So I figured, it will be better if she will only forget whatever it is that bothers her most!"

"What about the people she's with? How can she remember them if you've erased her ferry-girl part?"

"She'll only remember their normal human side. No missions will be remembered too. She'll just feel that she's with them for a while now."

"Wow boss! You're a genius!" the ogre exclaimed.

"I know!"

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"Wow! You sure bought a lot of those stuffs!" Shizuru was surprised with the art materials. "I didn't know that one painting uses different sorts of brushes! I was aware that they're using different types... but those things that you bought were exaggerated."

"So that painters can give attention to details. We're so obsessive even with the nitty-gritty stuffs."

"I see." She nodded in agreement. "Say, that shopping sure made me hungry. You want to eat?"

Botan felt her stomach grumble. "I think it's lunch time already, why not?"

"Why don't we go to Keiko's restaurant?" Shizuru suggested. "After all, you've already done some major adjustments. I'm sure that she'll be really glad to see you!"

"Keiko?" Botan asked. She quickly refreshed her memory but she came up with none. "Who is she?"

"You've got to be kidding me! Yukimura Keiko... your friend. Our friend!" Shizuru was shocked.

"I'm sorry. I can't really remember anything about her."

"You know Kurama?" Shizuru was making sure.

"Yes, the popular guy."

"How bout Hiei?"

"The quiet one?"

"That's right! What else can you remember about them?"

"Nothing much. But I'll recognize them when I see them."

"That's just normal. Maybe Koenma overdid this thing a little. Keiko is Yusuke's girlfriend. Can't you remember?" she asked again.

"Uh... I don't know this Yusuke guy too..." Botan was now in a state of panic. "Why can't I remember? Are you sure you're not just fooling around?" she asked Shizuru, hoping she'll just laugh it off and tell her that she fell for the whole thing.

"You know I can't do that to you!" Shizuru exclaimed. "You know what? Let's just go home so that I can ask Koenma about your condition."

"Now I'm in a big heap of trouble! Do I know this Koenma too?"

"Errr... no." she denied, suddenly remembering that she wasn't supposed to know him. "He's just an expert. Maybe I might learn something from him."

"Koenma, there's something amiss here. You told me that she'd still remember all of us. Why can't she remember Yusuke nor Keiko?" Shizuru was exasperated from thinking.

"How about the others? Can she remember them?" He asked just to make sure.

"She knows a bit about Kurama and Hiei, but those two? It just doesn't make sense to me."

"You know..." He started. "I forgot to tell you one thing; she was supposed to forget all the things that she wanted to forget. That was a voluntary thing that happened. I thought that was something I'll never find out, but here you are, informing me."

"Now I'm confused. Of all the things and persons, why did she chose to forget those two?" she asked.

"I guess I'll never figure that out. Remind me to ask her that question when everything returns to normal okay?"

"No, I'll find that out myself." A look of determination on her face.

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She was sitting on a meadow and crying. She doesn't know why, but there was an empty space inside her, which triggers the sad feeling.

"Its such a shame to see someone so beautiful crying." A man spoke in front of her. Realizing this, she quickly looked up and saw the same silhouette from before, but this time, no more blinding light that surrounds him.

"You? Are you the same man from before?" she asked

"If you believe so, then yes, maybe I am." He answered with a smile on his face.

"You have such beautiful brown eyes..." she complemented the mystery man. "Who are you really?"

The man started to turn around and walk away from her.

"Wait! You haven't answered my question yet!" she yelled.

"I told you, you'll know soon." With that, he smiled and walked farther until he faded away from her sight.

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Note: Err... weird thing that popped from my mind. XD I'm so obsessed with details... wah! Sorry bout his short chapter. I hope this is getting interesting for you now... any suggestions? Please review! Thanks a bunch!

And yeah! I've updated my profile too!

Happy New Year!


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